One night stand quote
I wondered if they were forgotten in an aluminum filing cabinet in the 6th Precinct or if they were folded into paper airplanes and flown into garbage bins with empty Styrofoam coffee cups and more of the same. I would look at the forms in white, pink, and yellow triplicate, all very 1986. They would ask if I wanted to file a complaint.
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“You remember the movie Single White Female?” I would try. As soon as I opened the door, I knew it was hopeless. They always sent pairs of very fat female cops. I would call 911, but the police are not equipped to manage crazy women and could not understand why someone who was neither a rejected lover nor a cast-out roommate was behaving this way. Olivia figured that Hooker Maria’s rage could be explained by her age: recently 50, and out of work.
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Olivia’s husband likes to keep things simple, so he would call her Crazy Hooker Maria. My friend Olivia had her own bad scene with the same woman a few years prior and had taken to calling her Hooker Maria-the best explanation she could come up with for her multilevel closets of Marc Jacobs dresses and Gucci shoes was an upscale outcall business. When I explained, calmly, because I have been told that is the best way to deal with a hysteric, that trespassing is against the law and she needed to leave, she would just harrumph, “You and your law!” I have boyfriends who have caught me in very compromised situations, and none has ever called me “a disgusting little whore,” which is the kind of thing this woman would scream in a variety of less appetizing ways, on and on. From time to time, and I never knew when, she would buzz and bang on the door and finally barge in, using a spare key she kept, and yell epithets at me for twenty minutes at a time, for no apparent reason. Despite all the chipped paint and disrepair that approximated charm in the floor-through apartment, I would have been happy if the previous tenant, from whom I was subletting, had not turned into a stalker.
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Last winter, I was living in the parlor floor of a nineteenth-century walk-up on Bleecker Street with thirteen-foot ceilings and two fireplaces and a tarp deck that stretched out like a backyard, with pottery planters of ferns and geraniums and a wood fence around it. Photo: Andreas Laszlo Konrath/New York Magazine